March 28, 2022
Wow! It's been six years since I got my dong sewn on! Having a dong is, well, different than not having one, I must say! I actually just completed my first album about transitioning and one of the songs is called, "I Got My Dong Sewn on Yesterday." It's a hoot of a Blues Song. While it hasn't been released yet, you can go to my website: www.nicklawrenceftm.com to hear the first song released, called "Before (I Became a Man)" and see the photo montage that covers my life span. I will put the Dong song on here as soon as it is available. The album is a blend of raucous humor and deep spirituality with an eclectic group of songs. Many of the songs have spiritual roots. I don't mean the music genre of Spirituals, but the experience of awe in relationship to God, experienced by me in the flesh, my flesh.
I know that some people will think I am being disrespectful of God and religion in some of my songs, but I am not; I am the most devout God worshipper, ever. I just have a different perspective than some people. I want you to know that transitioning has been the singularly most spiritual experience I have ever had. The operations I endured were slow in preparation and slower in recovery, both physically and mentally. But spiritually, I have gained what I consider incredible insight.
When I went in for my Man-chest, I came out with a chest whose female breasts had been removed, but what was left did not look like a man-chest. It looked like a location where at one time, things, two in particular, had been located. Kind of like a building site that had not been fully prepped for the next project yet. Silly me, I thought my impending burst of manhood would happen immediately. It didn't. I felt relieved to not have my chesticals any longer, but I felt like I was still the same person. This may sound silly but it is true. I thought my breasts were preventing me from "feeling like a man" but how I felt inside, my personhood, really didn't change. I felt relieved. Oh, yes, I did. So much relief. Let me say it again, SO MUCH RELIEF from having my breasts removed. I kept hearing this mantra: "my body isn't me."
So I countered with ,"Well if it isn't me, why am I rearranging it? Why does it even matter then?"
Over the last six years I returned to a spirituality I found in my late teens called Metaphysics. I have come to understand on a deeper level that what animates my body is my spirit (which I encapsulate with my personality) and my spirit expresses itself through my body, but is not my body per se. When I removed my breasts, I removed the lady bits that so many women identify as what makes them a woman. I no longer had those bits, thereby releasing me from "womanhood", which came with tremendous relief, but not having them or having them didn't change my spiritual experience of inhabiting my body.
In fact, the experience of removing my breasts gave me a clear experience of my body surrounding my spirit, which freed me in a sense to rearrange it any way I wanted because it doesn't really matter what shape it is in at all! Meaning, that while the removal of them did not make me "feel like a man", the having of them didn't make me "feel like a woman" either! The power to feel who I am is not controlled by my body parts. While I was born female bodied, I never felt like a I was a woman. For whatever reason, my spirit in combination with my naturally masculine personality, is happier with a male presentation.
Speaking of male presentation, however, when I got my dong sewn on, that was a different kind of experience! My "manhood" was clear but I really still felt like me, but lighter and happier. I mean there they were: my dangly bits. Can you hear my Tarzan roar in the background? Again no change in my internal perception but more RELIEF from my external presentation. The only real drawback was the fact that I now have this giant Dangler that never retracts! Ha ha! I literally harvested the tissue from my thigh to make a fat, floppy cock with my micro-penis clitoris embedded in the base of it. WTF!!!
Who does this crazy shit? Ok fine. Me. I did. And even though my salami, Sal, is a little funny looking, he is so much fun to play with that I am filled with glee! I know I am on the right track because I love my penis. I didn't love my breasts or vagina. The onset of puberty number one, back in 1975 along with Helen Reddy's "I Am Woman" only created a vortex of despair. Puberty number two created a vortex of joy amidst the need for a whole lot of self-love. It takes enormous self-love to withstand the current of how things are supposed to be and do what feels right anyway.
It has taken six years (post phallus surgery) to have sensation throughout my wienie. It is a miracle every time I have an orgasm. I think, "How the hell can this possibly work?" But it does (OMFG!!) and then I remember that my body is surrounding my spirit and that my experiences are a combination of my spirit and body working together plus Mind. What I see in my mind is what I experience. To me, this is God living through me, as me.
What this means to me is that whether you are XX or XY or any of the other multitude of combinations (and, yes, there is a multitude), your expression of who you are has nothing to do with the body you were given. That's why there are very small, badass butch women, and very large Tinkerbell type men. Otherwise the template would dominate our expressions of our spirits.
And, finally, I have come to accept that the way I feel inside is exactly how this man is supposed to feel; the integrity of my inside and outside matching is a delicious harmony. I wish this kind of harmony to everyone.
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