Dear Readers,
I have experienced some really interesting differences between being a man and a woman. The way to think about this is not in a binary way: man or woman, but what the influence of testosterone vs estrogen has on this bag of bones!
Here are some noticings in random order:
Physical:
- I am now covered in hair, and hair literally grows in every orifice. Not only does it grow, it is itchy. The only place I am hair-free is my head, which is cold frequently. The insides of my ears are cozy, though, in case you were worried about my eardrums
- When I was female, I had a very large derriere. My derriere closed up shop and moved northwest to my abdomen. Can you here "The Jefferson's" theme song playing? "...Moving on up, to the (west) side, to that deluxe apartment in the sky..."
- Oh, and did I mention my toes are also quite warm; the fur keeps them that way
- My strength has increased greatly. Early in my transition, I went to family summer camp with my girls. I played a game called "Knock-out" where two people vie to shoot a basket before the other thus, "knocking" them out. In order to get into the game, people take turns shooting a free throw and the first several who make the shot get into the game. When it was my turn I chucked the ball in the air and went way, way over the top and far into the next group of people sitting and talking. It looked like I did it on purpose because I missed the backboard by so much and the ball went very far away. One of the teens muttered, "asswipe," and I could see why, but I really just did not know my own strength!
- I grew from 5'6" to 5'8" and my shoe size went from a 7.5 to a 9 in men's sizing
- My nose grew to epic proportions. Men have sex receptor cells in their nostrils and apparently I got a bunch late in life, so my nose is the umbrella of my face
- Then I had my surgeries (in order of occurrence):
- breast reduction from DD to A-, prior to accepting I was a man
- After realization, man-chest surgery
- vaginectomy and phalloplasty
- scrotoplasty and glansplasty
- more on these in another blog
Emotional:
- I am still the same person in my heart that I was when I was female. However, my feelings are stored and accessed in a different way. Imagine you have a filing cabinet with all of your thoughts and feelings organized in the front of the drawers. Then one day, you look for them and the files are no longer where you had always kept them. You know they are there because you can sense them. Upon searching, you find a lockbox in the back of the drawer. Inside the lockbox everything is there but it takes longer to access them; they aren't as much on the surface or as easy to get to.
- I used to feel dread regularly. I also hated my body and had frequent, severe judgement about how fat I was. Now those thoughts creep in once in a while, but for the most part I enjoy being in my body; in fact, I fricking love it!!!
- I am still a highly sensitive person but it just travels in a different path than it did before
Psychological:
- Testosterone has affected my psychology tremendously
- First, I still, after 13 years, forget that I am a man and:
- occasionally walk into the ladies' room instead of the men's room
- spook myself in the mirror catching myself saying, "Who's that guy in here?"
- sign my former name on check
- Find my attraction to women has changed. What I mean by this is as a lesbian, I thought things like red lipstick and high heels were ridiculous. On testosterone, I really like that stuff and my wife is actually relieved because she likes that stuff, too. She was frequently dismayed, long ago, when I preferred her in what she calls, "shlumpy" clothes. I thought of it more like an Earth-Mama look, but she is glad for my change in fashion taste
- I do not fear walking down the street, ever. This is a huge change especially from being a vulnerable butch lesbian, easy to identify. I have had my share of being gay-bashed so this is a welcomed relief, but I sure see how defensive women have to be and that is not ok!!!
- At first, I was shocked by the tight clothing my wife was wearing at the barn. There were lots of ranch hands staring at her and other females. I learned to ignore them when I was female. Once on testosterone, I understood how intense testosterone is do I told her to wear a mumu. She did not follow my advice
Cultural:
- This is where it gets weird
- I know I have more privilege than I did before but not without a cost
- Transitioning has helped me see the differences, the burdens, the advantages and the losses
- For example:
- As a woman, I could touch people and it didn't make them uncomfortable. I am an educator and would walk around the room and lay my hand on a student's shoulder without thinking about it. I was a middle school teacher. It was welcomed and part of being a caring adult. As a man, I cannot do this
- I used to hug people. As a man, this is also not welcomed. A huge loss for me!!!
- As a woman, I called everyone, "Honey or Hun." This was upsetting for women when I said this as a man, so I stopped. However, I did decide to call every man I worked with "Honey" to see what happened. I got a lot of, "Did you just call me Honey?" The only person I didn't call Honey was the college president who was a man
- I was the manager of a statewide college program that had mostly women in it. When I would go to quarterly meetings, I stopped volunteering answers to make sure every woman had a chance to offer something before I spoke up
- I became eerily aware of how men impacted certain situations
- I noticed that (even now) if I go somewhere, like to an African drumming and dance class, women do not speak with me before or after class, but they do with each other
- On the other hand, there is a beautiful brotherhood to be found among men. Lots of men, of various ages, call me Sir or Brother or Boss. It's harder to make close friends with men, but there is definitely a warmth that I did not notice before
- One of the first losses I experienced as a man is this: when I first moved to Sonoma County, about 9 months into my transition, I came here a few months ahead of my wife and daughter to find us a place to live, etc. I joined a church choir and was at my third or fourth rehearsal one night. A teen daughter of fellow singers needed a ride home. I offered her a ride and there was a great hush and weird tension. Someone else volunteered to take her. Later I learned they were afraid I would rape her. This was a very rude awakening to the tribe I was so happy to join.
