August 7, 2016
I stopped writing my blog almost a year and a half ago. I did this because I found out that my mother and kids were reading it and talking about it. I don't know why I thought they would not see it. The point isn't that they read it; I was glad they did. What did stop me was that I was getting to the point where I was no longer talking about the past but the present and I realized that by continuing, I would or could be bringing them into the public eye and felt it was my responsibility to protect them.
In the meantime, I have come to realize that my family has NOT been unable to make my transition with me. They see me as two different people and are not able to apply their set of female memories to the man I am today.
My wife says she is able to combine them. That I am still the same person in my heart and values. I agree with her.
They have found substitutes for me (and my wife), but we have been waiting for them to love us, to reach out, to invite us to their celebrations, etc. But the chasm of ice just continues to expand leaving me, especially, hungry for their love.
It's an odd math equation. I was a woman, I gave birth, I had lady parts. Now I am a man with male parts. Does transformation erase life? I don't think so, at least not for me.
I cannot describe the pain I am feeling except that it is the lowest of lows and deepest of heartaches.
I gave birth and raised a daughter. I am a man that has let go of many female qualities except when talking about my daughter. Then there is still an anguished mama bear desperate for her baby; even though her baby turned 30 yesterday.
Some things cannot be undone. Once a mother, always a mother.