February 1, 2015
I am going to see my surgeon tomorrow to get advice on dealing with the salami. You may not realize that phalloplasty, or penis construction, does not give a man erectile tissue. Since most men do not walk around with an erection all the time, and would be embarrassed if they did, this issue is a big one.
When transmen decide to go through the surgery, we have to decide how we want our new man-toy to be in terms of length and girth. Wow, what a great option! Except that the thing never retracts; it is the same length whether happy or sad, asleep or in use. The pump I mentioned on my last blog only makes it rigid, not longer.
The combination of the dense fat on my leg (in spite of being 15% body fat at time of surgery) and the creation of a urethra (so I can pee through my phallus) has left me with a very large salami that does not retract. It is very hard to hide.
I tried bending it at the base and wearing it "up" as opposed to "left" or "right"but that only caused me intense pain like when your foot falls asleep.
When I was a child, I had a very personal relationship with Jesus. This is odd because my family was not religious. My father was Jewish and changed his name so that no one would know he was Jewish. That might seem odd today, but his grandmother and grandfather fled the Czar in Russia and eloped to the United States. She kept a kosher kitchen but her children avoided religion.
Nevertheless, I had visions of Jesus frequently and on the rare occasions that I did go to church, I wished to wear the robes of the priest and to stand at the altar delivering the gifts of God to the masses. Now, more than ever it would be so helpful to wear a robe for my work uniform! I honestly never thought I would regret giving up the option to wear a dress.
I wanted to pursue being a priest but as a woman I felt a huge disconnect. I simply could not be Mother, I HAD to be Father; Father Nick.
Now I still long for the priestly robes and to prepare a sacred altar. I recently decided to get ordained from a non-denominational-easy-ordination church so I could legally perform weddings and ceremonies for friends. I have to say that I am really surprised at how happy it makes me to have this piece of paper. It has stirred something up for me and I am now looking for ways to share some of my spiritual experiences, including this blog.
I hope I have something great to report from my visit with the surgeon tomorrow.
In Love and Service,